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January 2018 wrap up+Life Lately

this is a long one.

I’m having one of those sleepless nights and I figured why not write my last post for January 2018. I really wasn’t planning on writing this because I genuinely do not know where January went. People keep complaining about how long January has been and I’m saying to myself, “I can’t relate fam!!” I wish the days were longer.

I am also writing to attend to my heart. I’ve just been on the go about a certain specific thing and just focused on that so much that, I’ve literally put “all the feels” away. I think that it has finally caught up with me, hence why I am up writing  this late. I’m sure I will be back focusing on “tasks” tomorrow. But this morning, lets share all the feels.

life lately

  • I am really struggling to trust right now. I don’t really have much to say on this but the fact that I am. I don’t really like the feeling. I’m struggling with people taking their words lightly on very important issues. My biggest dilemma is figuring out if someone is not trustworthy based on one instance, thus completely disqualifying them from the people you are vulnerable with or to take the one instance for what it was as one and not hold it over the person head. I’m leaning more towards the latter.  But if you can’t trust someone with your heart, can you really trust them with anything else? I don’t know. I’m still figuring things out.
  • I probably won’t be blogging as much in February if at all because I have like 3 big things coming up that is absolutely freaking me out but I am also excited about. I cannot wait to share.
  • I’ve been thinking a lot about how my life would be if I never have a partner. There is nothing written anywhere that that we will all find someone, but for me, I’ve always thought I would, so I always look forward to that day. But the truth is, that day might never come and I still have to carry on and carry on well. So, lately, I’ve been trying to decide what living well by myself will look like. I want reach a place where I have this solid balance of joy in singleness and hope in meeting my person.
  • everything rides on hope now, everything rides on faith somehow, when the world has broken me down, Your love sets me free- Addison Road

  • Lately, I’ve just been baffled with the idea of people thinking they are helping but in reality they are not. For an example, a random example… someone will say to an alcoholic, “I am not drinking alcohol in front of you because I don’t want you to relapse.” This isn’t bad in itself, but the baffling thing for me is that the person made this decision all on their own without consulting the person they THINK they are helping. I guess instead of assuming you know what is best for someone, just ask, “how can I help you? how can I make things easier for you? would it help if I did this thing or that thing?” People need to just ask. You don’t make decisions for people without their knowledge. I’ve just been feeling or seeing that in my own life and I am annoyed by the arrogance.
  • I am interested in starting a separate natural hair blog, please don’t roll your eyes because I too know there are already many out there. But the many doesn’t include type 4 naturals or kinkier textured hair type, so I want to fill that space. I am thinking more about it and if I decide, it will probably launch by summer time. And yay for me, I will have access to my friends who can take pictures of me. I’m pretty sure I am going to annoy them but eh…
  • Lately, I’ve been trying to be more cheerful, you know live a yellow-ass life but I feel like I am doing it the wrong way. I’m pushing things aside, pretending I don’t feel certain things and just feeling good on the surface. I want to find a way to be authentic about where my heart truly is yet cheerful. 
  • Lately, I’ve been listening to some really good “new” music- new as in, new to me. I don’t really share my love for music here but it really gives me so much joy. Like I can hear a tune and just feel so grateful for music and that I can hear it. hmmm.
  • I also made a basic vision board. But I like being basic because it encompasses how I want my life to be. YELLOW. I’m going to be buying a lot of yellow things in the next few months. hahaha because why not?

  • Lately, I’ve been thinking about death and how in most cases it happens without notice. It reminds me that negative feelings, especially about people do not matter. Why be upset with someone when you can love on them? or even more important why lose your peace because of anger towards someone? Don’t get me wrong, most feelings are valid, but I guess when I think of death, some of the feelings seem like wasted energy. It is also pushing me to attend to things that I am passionate about. But right now, in this moment, I can say that I am not afraid of death. I just want to live with the knowledge that I can die at any moment and that while I am life I am called to live fully. I think sometimes, for most of us, we don’t live the life we want because we think we have time. But we don’t. Right now, I am trying to figure out the life that I want then I am going to pursue it like I know my death is imminent. This is not meant to sound morbid, but really think about it, how would you live your life differently if you accept the fact that you don’t really have a lot of time on this earth. Who would you surround yourself with? where would you go? what would you do with your money? what career would you pursue?

January goals

  • Read the book of common prayers everyday
    • This did not happen. I went strong for about 20 days then I started reading other plans that were needed for that time.
  • Go to the gym at least twice a week
    • This also didn’t happen. I did go 4/8 times. My bank account probably laughs at me every time I complain about money because it sees me just throwing it away to my gym membership. Fix it Jesus
  • Read 2 books
    • Listen, I started 3 books. I didn’t finish any. Why am I like this?
  • Drink more water
    • did that
  • No fast food….Ahhhhh I just thought of chick Fil a. Maybe be just once this month?
    • Prior to making this a goal, I wasn’t really frequenting fast food joints “like that” so I thought this was going to be easy. I had fast food so many times I literally lost count.
  • Visit my nephew and niece at least 4 times this month
    • This didn’t happen either. I did “run” into them once and my niece was asking me not to go. I’m a really crappy aunt. I need to spend more time with them.
  • Pray for people every Sunday I go to church despite how I’m feeling emotionally
    • check

I am not really setting any goals for February because as mentioned, I have a couple of big things coming up and I just want to focus on that for now. But I may write a blog post here and there when I feel inclined to. But will be back to regular posting in the later part of March.

How has life been for you lately? How are your goals coming along?

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True Life: I struggle with my faith

It is really hard for me to write this because this isn’t what people expect from “faith and lifestyle blog.” It is hard for me to write this because I feel like I’m a liar and people will question my faithfulness. But the truth is, I have been struggling with my faith.

I started out the year with a bang really, well for me at least it was. Deciding that I was going to be hopeful was such a bold step for me because I knew it was going to require me to put myself out there and face the world as is while fulling trusting God. Trusting Him as Infinite Wisdom and Infinite Goodness. But, I have not been feeling like God is good. I am struggling to believe in His goodness.

I think I shared a few posts back that one thing that rescued me from last years tragedy (I’m dramatic) was experiencing God as good. For me, that meant nearness and this un-explainable peace even when I was falling apart and thinking life wasn’t worth living. But a few weeks into this new year, I find myself doubting that He is really good.

give me faith, to trust what You say, that You’re good and Your love is great…

It is uncomfortable for me to admit that I am struggling with my faith because it feels like I am disappointing someone. I look at all these other faith bloggers and I am amazed by their faith and courage and how they live out the Christian walk and I look at me and I don’t feel as strong. I am not full of faith.

I am still the person people look at and say, “have more faith.” I want to be the person people look at and are inspired by her faith.

Right now, my position is that, If He is good, He need to show that He is good. If He is Sovereign, He needs to show His sovereignty. etc… I need God to be LORD. The I AM. He just needs to BE!!

Do you struggle with your faith sometimes?

4: Taking Stock

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Making :  really warm knitted scarves for some of my friends.

Cooking : chicken stew. Its really all I cook these days

Drinking : wine. Because it is a Saturday night and I have absolutely nothing to do

Reading:  Reasons for God by Timothy Keller

Wanting: MONEY! Lets be real (same as 6 months ago)

Looking: for a new job. A better paying job soon (same as 6 months ago)

Deciding: what my next move is (same as 6 months ago. Doing this is really showing me how not much have changed)

Wishing: for rest. I need rest.

Enjoying: my family and friends.

Waiting: for a miracle! (same as 6 months ago)

Liking: snapchat. I’m really into it these days

Wondering: “how long is this going to last?”- this not having enough funds for anything life and feeling lonely ( same answer as 6 months ago)

Loving: the lessons.

Listening: “build my life”- ugh I have forgotten who sang it. I can look it up but I can’t be bothered. I’m sorry it’s late.

Considering: moving out- where is the money tho? ugh (same as 6 months ago)

Buying: I haven’t bought anything in awhile.

Watching: I haven’t been watching much lately. I feel so tired all the time. But I do get in a few youtube videos occassionally

Hoping: for a miracle (same as 6 months ago)

Cringing: at my present state

Needing: money! haha (same answer)

Questioning: my life (same answer as 6 months ago)

Smelling: this head scarf that needs to washed. girl

Wearing: All black everything (OMG same answer as 6 months ago.)

Noticing: nothing really. I feel like I have seen it all

Thinking: ‘How did my life turn out this way?” (same as 6 months ago)

Feeling: unrest or unsettled. not at ease.

Celebrating: A blessing on its way.

Pretending: That I don’t want to cry every second I am awake (same as 6 months ago)

Embracing: life as it is

 

Do your own Taking Stock post and pinback? I’d like to see what you have been up to.