5 Questions Before Your Next Relationship

92fdf65e-259d-4fc7-a7db-43f7ade94c7eHi friends,

With all the #relationship goals going on, I think most of us single people who desire relationship can rush into something we really aren’t ready for and it will definitely ruin us it terms of our time and emotions. Below I’ve listed some questions I think you need to ask yourself before your next relationship, this is my guide as well.

  1. Am I healed from my last relationship? If you’ve never been in a relationship, you can skip this. But for the folks who have, you really need to do a self-assessment and really figure out if you are over the last relationship. Notice, I didn’t say if you are over the person. I think for most people, it is the relationship and its possibilities they hang on to not the person. So you really have to figure out if you are ready to have something completely new that isn’t like your previous relationship, not better than, but just different. Are you over the familiar and are you ready for change? does that make sense?
  2. What am I looking for in a person? When I was younger I didn’t believe in making a check-list of the person I wanted because I felt like I had to follow it to a T but that isn’t what I am saying. What I am saying is that, IF you are looking, you have to know what you are looking for. My pastor always say, you have to have  list of non-negotiable, these are things you will not compromise on, but we need not be strict on EVERYTHING on our list. But we do need a guide, so do write a list of what you want in a person.
  3. What am I looking for in a relationship? Similar to what I said above, list what you want your relationship to look like. If you want a relationship that looks like going to book store on a Saturday to just read, put that down. Trust me, I know a relationship is more than shared hobbies, but I’ve heard it really sustains a relationship. Also, define for yourself what it means to date and be in a relationship and whether you want marriage out of it or not. If you aren’t someone who wants to date for 2 years, definitely list that. That is something that you can compromise on, but make your desires known to at least yourself. That will at least let you know if you are giving up too much and deviating.
  4. Did I grow from my last relationship? I know we all like to blame a failed relationship on the other party because you know? it makes us feel good. BUT, deep down we all know we contributed to things not working out. Some relationships don’t end badly, sometimes it just ends because people didn’t put in effort or distance or whatever. So if distance was the issue, what you can learn from that is that you aren’t equipped to be in a long distance relationship. There is always something to learn about ourselves when a relationship end or even in a relationship.
  5. Am I willing and ready to put effort into finding someone? I don’t believe in relationships just falling in your lap as you sit at home. I know most people talk about “finding” someone when they weren’t looking. I think its sweet and its very true for people but listen, sis, bro, you need to put in the work. If you aren’t up for it, then you just may not be ready to be with someone.

I think answering these questions will definitely be a good deciding factor of whether or not you are ready for something new.

How did you know you were ready for a new relationship? 

Also, I will have a relationship post every Thursday for the next few weeks!!

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Day 3: What is your relationship status

and how do you feel about itimg_0714

Welcome to day 3 of my writing challenge. I almost didn’t make it today, but lets get on with it. The writing prompt is, what is your relationship status and how do you feel about it?

My relationship status is, SINGLE AF

There are days where I feel really deep loneliness, loneliness only a romantic partner can fulfill. There are days where I wish for experiences that I desperately want to share with a partner. There are days when I really need someone to confide in and simply “sit” with. My singleness sometimes worries me because marriage is a real desire of mine and because of my current relationship status, I can’t see it happening any time soon. Some days, I do look at couples and think, wow, you are so lucky to have found love that loves you back. save your not everything on social media is real comment, I be knowing. Some days, I do wonder if anyone would love me romantically, and choose me to be their life partner.

Most days, I am okay with my relationship status as SINGLE AF. Some days, I am actually happy about it. Some days I am not even aware of it because I am surrounded by people who love me, although they cannot fulfill me on a romantic level, it doesn’t make their love any less fulfilling. Parents love their children and it is a deep love but they cannot occupy the space of a life partner. right? but is doesn’t make their love any less. Some days, I am convinced my singleness is for something greater than me and for those days, I do not crave relationship or marriage. I like those days. I never want to desire something so desperately that it has the ability to make me or break me. Although, I want a romantic relationship with sweet man, I am satisfied with how things are. Loneliness sucks but it is also bearable.

The truth about romantic relationship is that it is joyful and it a good thing but singleness can be those things as well. No ones relationship status is better than the other.

If you have a partner, I hope that person brings you joy and I hope you do the same for that person. I hope that person adds to your life and brings out the best in you. I also pray that your love will last and keep growing stronger. I hope you live a life of adventure, peace and kindness with your partner. Ah, I pray ease for tough days and lots and lots of grace for each other.

For my SINGLE AF peers, who want a relationship, ah I feel you and I am with you. I understand the struggle. But I also understand that God cares about your desires. He will fulfill them according to His will for your life. I pray that you do not take your singleness as this torturous affair you have to endure. But use it in a way that is benefiting to you and the people around you. I am also praying for you to find someone who delights in you the same way you delight in them. I hope that your waiting pays off. I pray that God gives you the strength to keep waiting and not settle for anything that maybe dangerous for you out of desperation.

Finally, no matter who you are. No one can make you whole. That is The Almighty’s job and that is what He does. He alone can satisfy any deep desires of your heart. He is enough.

 

For the Single Person on Valentine’s Day

I was wrestling with writing about this topic because I am not sure what the purpose of it would be for you all and I don’t really think I am the person to write about this, at this time. But it HAS been on my heart to write about singleness and I think the day before Valentines Day is a good time.

In the last month or so, I have been fighting with the temptation of settling into a relationship, any relationship. For me settling looks like being with a man just to say I have a man, and that being the sole reason.  My intention was to dismiss the things I care about having in a partner and just be with someone, anyone, who liked me enough and that I could tolerate. I was going to let go of the idea of:

  • having someone I can laugh with
  • someone I have chemistry with
  • someone I can share my bathroom expeditions with (TMI)
  • someone who can pray over me
  • someone who can be compassionate to how I am wired.
  • Someone who teaches me about boldness
  • and someone whose relationship with God is evident, etc…

if you find anyone like this, send them to me!

I didn’t care about any of these things, I just wanted someone, anyone. Besides not caring about these things, I think the root of it all was, that I did’t REALLY BELIEVE that God could give me my heart desire.

I was talking to one of my good friends a few weeks ago (shout out to my peanut butter) about settling in a relationship and it literally scared the heck out of me. I kept telling my friend how I cannot wrap my head around that idea, honestly just thinking about it right now, is giving me “low-key” anxiety. But I am so grateful for the people God has placed in my life and the friend I am referring to just simply told me, “you don’t need to settle. Don’t settle. Just focus on having a really good year” I think I needed that assurance that I didn’t need to settle and it is okay to BE single and there is purpose in singleness.

Look ,I am not here to glorify singleness, because to be frank, it SUCKS! for lack of a better word. It is sometimes painful and it is lonely.

But for me, singleness has really opened my eyes to see the things that God wants to change and do in my life. I’ll list a few:

  • I think God wants to break my pattern of attachment to things outside of Him. Loving someone isn’t bad in itself, its actually a really beautiful thing, but loving someone MORE than The Creator is bad. I think God wants me to know that life is in Him alone.
  • I think God wants to heal me and piece together all my brokenness and MESS.
  • I think God wants me to work on my relationships with my family and form deep friendships. In the past, I’ve only opened up to people I was romantically involved with and failed at having meaningful friendships. I think God wants to fix that.
  • I think God wants to give me joy that can only be found in Him.

I want all these things I mentioned above to happen before I actually get in a relationship. OR I only want God to bring someone in my life who will help me advance in my pursuit of God.

I don’t know what to tell you to make singleness look appealing or even tolerable, because it isn’t for those of us who desire romantic relationship. But I think this season can worth while if it is used wisely and there is less sulking. (the sulking part is definitely for me!)

But, I do pray that you find ease for the lonely nights, ease for when you see all the engagements photos on facebook (should we just delete facebook?), ease for when you are consumed by the failures of past relationships, and ease on valentines day. I pray that you see all that God is showing you and doing in you. 

Most importantly, we are so loved. So deeply. And we know this by just looking at the cross. We know this because Jesus died for us. He chose to die than to leave us in darkness. I am chosen. You are chosen. What a freaking revelation! For me, that is all I’ve ever wanted, to be chosen. I am.

If you’re an unbeliever, this is probably such a hard concept to grasp. It is for us Christians too, don’t worry. But it is the truth, so I hope you can at least rest in that for the days you feel unloved.

Lastly, don’t be bitter and jealous of the people that have partners. Really wish them well. I think bitterness clouds our minds and hearts and prevent good things from penetrating in. So if you feel any kind of bitterness, pray about it don’t mock or speak ill of others romantic relationship.

If you are struggling with singleness and really seeing God at this time, I’ll really love to pray for you. Or if you have any other prayer request, I’ll love to pray for you. I think my email is in my contacts. You can also DM me on INSTAGRAM @yaa_tekyiwaa

How are you dealing with being single? are you dreading valentines day?