True Life: I am tired

true life

I am so tired

listen, I am so so so tired.

Exhausted!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve also felt like I am in this in between stage of life. I always feel like I am in this weird space of already being something but not fully, so there is always tension in my heart. I feel that tension in my life all the time. I am getting so tired of it.

I am tired of fighting and struggling for everything. I wake up, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. fighting for joy, fighting for hope, fighting for peace in my heart, fighting to forgive myself and others, always fighting for something. Some days I don’t have to fight as hard and it becomes just a matter of choosing, but today, I am tired and worn.

Its a new week and I am trying to leave last week behind, but to be truthful I am worn from last week. I am worn from the ache in my heart and from life’s uncertainties. I am tired of feeling healed, but not fully. I’m tired of letting go of hurts but not fully. It’s the in between that wears me out.

This post might seem ungrateful because it’s clear that God has brought me out of a place of total darkness into this new life and trust me I see it and I know that. I am very thankful for this present state where God has even given me the strength to fight for the things that I want instead of just lying down to die like I have done in the past. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I am tired and I am beginning to feel it physically.

I am sharing this with you because, I am tired. I am sure you get it at this point, need I say I am tired anymore, but I am. Plain as that. I know the internet is full of high-energy, positive-vibing people, and if that is their real life, I am happy for them. But I also want to create a space for the people who feel all the feels of life, who are fighting for their sanity everyday, who sometimes just feel tired. This one is for you. You’re not alone.

Sometimes, I just want to wake up and simply BE. BE joyful, BE hopeful, BE forgiving, but I am not there yet. If you aren’t either, that is okay. Just don’t give up trying to be all those things. If you’re anything like me then it is hard for you too, but I pray it becomes easy over time. Maybe one we’ll all just BE those things and won’t have to fight for it. But until then, we keep trying. And when we get tired, we rest, get up and press on.

How do you rest mentally and inwardly? 

 

Advertisements

God has forgotten to write my love story

Hi friends,

Lately, I’ve been feeling like God has forgotten to write my love story. I see people, Christians and non alike testifying about how God perfectly wrote their love story and just how happy they are and I am left feeling like, WHAT ABOUT ME?

I’m waiting patiently. I’m avoiding unnecessary and temporary pleasures, I’m working on my RED FLAGS (read more about that HERE) yet, I still feel lonely and sometimes really alone. Am I the only one who feel this way? Like you’ve prayed or still praying, you haven’t settled, your heart is open but nothing is happening?

I start asking myself What is wrong with me? Is God busy with everyone else love story? What about mine, has He forgotten to write my love story? Not only do I start questioning myself and pointing out all my flaws, I throw myself a huge self-pity party and invite fear, despair, hopelessness, and eventually the guest honor CONTROL over my own life. After I cry, I wipe my tears and tell God, if you WON’T, because I know He CAN, but if He WON’T sort out my love life then I’m going to take that task away from Him. He can handle everything else but that. Let me quickly tell you that, it NEVER ends well! hence why I am still single.

So listen friends, the response to the question if God has forgotten to write your love story is a big, I DON’T KNOW.  What I do know is that, God doesn’t forget. He will never forget us. Here is another truth, one I struggle to believe sometimes, God cares deeply about our desires. 

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4

You can rest in that.

It might feel like God is not writing our love story because it doesn’t look like how we expected it to look like. For some of us, we may not know who we want exactly but we kind of have a time we’d like for our love story to begin, and how it should play out. We set ourselves up for disappointment when we do that. That isn’t completely trusting God with our love life.

But here is an idea

What if God is writing a much better and a much bigger love story than we could even expect. And maybe that is why it might be taking a little bit more time, MAYBE He is really shaping us for that epic love story we are going to be staring in.

So for the days where you feel like you handed the pen to God to write your love story and He isn’t. Just keep trusting and keep having faith and know that He is still writing it and has not forgotten any of us.

Just keep working on you and keep asking God to work on your heart. And keep waiting faithfully.

God is faithful!

Taking Stock: April 2018

IMG_1172.jpg

Making : the days count. jk. I am not making anything at the moment. I wish I was making the days count, but listen when my money comes, I WILL be MAKING the days count. Until then…

Cooking : I made this really bomb chicken. It was wow!!so good. Need I brag more

Drinking : water at the moment, but I did have this margarita.

Reading:  Counterfeit God by Tim Keller and This is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe. Just finished Still Me by Jojo Moyes, read the my book review HERE.

Wanting: MONEY! I need money. (same as the previous month)

Looking: for a job. (same as the previous month)

Deciding: Nothing at the moment. What?

Wishing: On a star?

Enjoying: OMG! this peace from God.

Waiting: For… it is a secret. it is like 3 BIG things.

Liking: No boys, men, uncles, brothers, people’s ugly sons. LOL etc…solidly single!! (same!! EVEN MORE!! WOW but yet I am still looking. Contradicting much?!)

Wondering: when is my man who is going to delight in me come? I’m praying about it. Maybe I should write a post about what I looking for in a man so you all can help a sister out? (same as January, February, March and very contradicting to what I wrote above.) MY NEXT POST?

Loving: Jesus the LIVING Christ. THE living Christ. THE I AM…

Listening: Housefires, “Yes and Amen” and I just really got into Jhene Aiko, she is fire!

Considering: Going to the gym or not. Or not!

Buying: nothing at the moment. Broke us af!! Still the same, but change issa coming and its going to be the realest. I’m going to be hauling the things I buy. hahaha. I’m pushing it

Watching: One Tree Hill for the third time. Because why not?

Hoping: in Christ ALONE!! All the time!! EVERYDAY

Cringing: at nothing really

Needing: money! haha. Mah-NEY!!

Questioning: NOT the goodness of God!!

Smelling: nail polish

Wearing: Day 3 clothes. But I’ve showered oh

Noticing: nothing

Thinking: nothing really. My brain is on vacation

Feeling: Loved. Loved by my sweet Jesus

Celebrating: nothing really

Pretending: none here

Embracing: this hope!

Do your own Taking Stock post and pinback? I’d like to see what you have been up to.