A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

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Summary

Born a generation apart and with very different ideas about love and family, Mariam and Laila are two women brought jarringly together by war, by loss and by fate. As they endure the ever escalating dangers around them—in their home as well as in the streets of Kabul—they come to form a bond that makes them both sisters and mother-daughter to each other, and that will ulti …more

My Thoughts

you are the noor in my eyes and the sultan of my heart.

One of my favorite things about the books were all the potential quotes I can write out and use. It was so full of wisdom. Lets get into the book then…

This book completely rocked my world. The novel is a fictional work but the historical events are not which makes me think that it is possible that people actually went through what the characters in the book endured.

I felt for Mariam’s character the most because even her happy ending wasn’t really happy. She had a mentally unstable mother who commits suicide, a father who openly rejected her and married her off to a man about 3 times her age. She loses 6 babies and is brutally abused by her husband, she has to tolerate a second wife, eventually kills this man and is put to death. But in the end, she is glad that she is dying the way she is. Her acceptance of her death broke my heart just because I was hoping for some type of miracle at the end. Some kind of escape. I guess the reality that you can endure pain till the end of your life with very few laughter is what truly bothered me. That this can be anyone’s reality. I loved that Laila and Tariq found their way back to each other. With the way the story was going, I wasn’t sure there was going to be a happy ending for her either.

Most of us are very fortunate that we come from or live in nations where war isn’t literally at our back door. Some of us have never or will ever experience the sound of bomb or see the body parts of our loved ones blown to pieces before our eyes. But there are people in certain parts of the world who are not as fortunate, people who don’t rejoice over fireworks because it triggers something in them. I just weep and pray for everyone who has had to endure this type of trauma.

My favorite relationship in the book was between Mariam and Laila. The mother-daughter bond that was voluntary and not fueled by blood. Mariam’s commitment to Laila till the very end is the type of #goals I aspire.
Overall, I liked the book. It was so heavy however. Just one tragedy after the next. But a very well written book. Have you read it?

may joy meet you in the morning

IMG_1982 (2)Happy New Month

early in the morning, I will celebrate the light, when I stumble in the darkness, I will call Your name by night

In my last post I wrote about how tough the last few weeks have been, you can read about it HERE. Usually, I leave it all here and don’t come back to tell about my okay days, and the mornings when joy met me by the time my feet touched the floor.

God has been showing up

But in unexpected ways.

At my lowest, sometime last week, I kept repeating to myself, ” I have no one, I absolutely have no one.” but I know this is a lie. There was this battle in my heart, where I wanted to keep saying “I have no one” but I felt in my heart that i really didn’t believe it and it was the enemy willing me to say it enough so I would believe it.

you can have all this world, give me Jesus

My hearts desire

Everything isn’t all of sudden perfect, God didn’t perform some magic trick and all of sudden my life was golden. God didn’t make the pain go away. But what God did was remove the hopelessness from my heart and replace it with peace. God gave me strength to wake-up and accomplish the tasks before me with a clear mind, I still cried when I laid down, but I got shit done. God gave me a song and he softened my heart and I was able to let go of my pride.

I don’t know how tomorrow is going to look like but today, I am okay. I am okay with the mess and the tears. I am okay with the sadness, and hopeful that it will pass. I am okay with the fact that tomorrow might be a struggle but thankful that God is already there waiting to meet me and hold me.

God is good. I am thankful that I know this truth…

You have no rival, You have no equal, now and forever God you reign. Yours is the kingdom. Yours is the glory. Yours is the name above all names.

I just pray peace over anyone who stumbles on this post. I pray for peace and grace in whatever situation you’re going through. I pray the Lord will give you rest, and that you find joy in the morning.

 

 

Is this life? Is there joy?

When unfortunate things are happening in my life, my first question is not always why me? It is why me, AGAIN? I’m not naive to expect my life to be smooth sailing all the time. I know and I am aware that life comes with its valleys and sometimes they are really deep and it takes much to crawl out if it. What I don’t understand is why certain things keep repeating themselves. I am not understanding why one person has to go through so much, all at once, all the time.

I’ve been trying to avoid sharing so much personal feelings on this blog just because I don’t know who is reading and sometimes I feel like people might read my thoughts and maybe throw it in my face or judge me. But I share because it is my escape and sometimes the comments I receive makes me know that I am not alone.

For the last few weeks or so, I have been feeling alone, sad and anxious. I know I am responsible for how I feel and how I process things but the cause of these feelings are beyond my control. I feel on edge and out of control. I have been clinging to God for dear life, because I am falling apart right before my own eyes.

Have any of you felt extremely misunderstood, not that teenage feeling where you literally think no one understands you because you HAVE to go to the party and your guardians are saying you can’t. Not that kind of misunderstood. The misunderstanding of character, of intent, and of self, not only by a few strangers but of literally everyone around you. The last few weeks have shown me that what I think of myself or what I think I am giving out isn’t at all what people are receiving. The positive things I think I give out, people receive it negatively and to be honest, I am not sure what to do about it. But if everyone is getting negative vibes from me, when I think I am putting out positivity, does that mean I am the issue? If so, I am ready to hear it and be corrected. But my efforts are always in vain. I am not indulging in self-pity or anything, well maybe a little, but I can’t seem to do right by anyone standards. I pride myself on being self-aware, so I’m shaken as to why I haven’t been able to figure out why I give all these feelings of negativity. I’ve been told and called so many negative things these past few weeks by the people closest to me, words and character traits I don’t even want to repeat here and so  I’ve been questioning myself, my life, my character, and everything about me.

Brings me to my initial point at the beginning of the post, am I experience all these lows because of me? Is that why I am always down, facing the same issues over and over again, with no breaks in between? Am i the problem? Am I just one of those people who are unloveable? Who are just meant to be alone? I’m not asking these questions in self-pity manner, but in realization? I obviously do not want to be the person described above. I want to be loved and love on people, but I’m afraid I am not likeable or the truth is I am not likeable.

Is there something I could work on? By all means yes. But the things that have been pointed out to me, I didn’t realize were issues. I feel like I keep repeating this point. My actions were not even addressed, just how I make certain people feel. So, it’s not that I have to change my actions but I guess I have to explain them so people don’t take it the wrong way.

For the last few weeks, all I look forward to is sleep, because the days are tough and I am constantly questioning, if THIS IS my life. Is there joy? Is there freedom? Is there love? These feelings have been lingering in my life too long, I am not sure what to do with them. I am afraid I will live life alone with no one by my side at the end of it. Just a life a loneliness, and unfortunately for me, I don’t even like animals so I can’t even look forward to a pet loving me.

I just want to know when life gets better? Does it get better? Can you be condemned to perpetual pain and sadness? I don’t know.