True Life: I am unloveable

For so many years I’ve really struggled with feeling unloveable. Being loveable is defined as having qualities that attract love. Most people I’ve liked or loved I’ve felt have abandoned me and anytime someone walked away from me I’ve always felt like it was something I did. I started telling myself maybe I am unloveable when I was quite young based on certain things around me that I don’t feel like disclosing. Through out the years I’ve wondered;

  • why couldn’t they speak nicer to me?
  • why didn’t they see my struggles?
  • why did they cheat on me?
  • why did they not want to protect me?
  • why couldn’t they move because of me?
  • why couldn’t they watch that show because of me?
  • why couldn’t the love me?
  • why couldn’t they choose me?
  • why couldn’t they commit to me?
  • why was it so easy to walk away?
  • why did they think I deserve the hurt?
  • why did they think that I didn’t need help?
  • why weren’t they willing to fight for me?
  • why wasn’t I enough?

These are questions that have plagued my mind for so many years and I’ve really try to battle it and reassure myself that, even if no one loves me, even if I am unloveable, God loves me and that should be enough.

Today, it wasn’t.

For the last few days, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve made people treat me the way they have or do. I want to know what it is about me that make people not want to love me. It is such a painful state to be in. I keep comparing myself to people just wondering what it is about them that make them more loveable than me? what can I do better? how can I act better? do I need to be less emotional? do I need to be more chatty? What exactly do I need to do?

I know some of these feelings are exaggerated by the enemy but I keep thinking there must be some truth to all of this. I think all the surface, people might think there is something to love about me but when they really get to know me and see who I really am, I become unloveable.

At this point I am really scared to get to close to anyone or I’m scared of being known. I want to keep people far away from me so they can see me in the loveable light.

I am not sure how to make myself more loveable.

I want be loved.

I want to chosen.

I want God to be enough even if that never happens.

Do you ever feel or have you ever felt that you’re unloveable? How did you deal with it? and you fight back that thought? How did you or how are you working on becoming loveable?

**loveable is an older spelling of lovable. so I can spell! sometimes!*

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True life: I feel behind in life

img_4505Something I have been struggling for the last few months is feeling behind in life. I feel that at this age and at this time, I really should have my affairs in order. These are things I think I should have sorted out already:

  • I should have my dream or at least “good” job that pays well.
  • I should not have to worry about money.
  • I should have a partner who wants a future with me or at least potential someone who text me. lol.
  • I should be emotionally stronger.
  • I should be going on trips in different countries.

Sometimes, I feel like there is one way of being an adult and everyone learned it as soon as they began adulting and I’m still oblivious to it all. Everyone appears to be adulting really well, moving forward and getting shit done and I am still left behind watching it happen.

This might seem silly to some but it is so real to me on most days. Almost all of my friends are in their desired career and I am still job-ing it out. It leaves me feeling like I am not qualified enough to even be their friends. It leaves me feeling like I have nothing of value to bring into a relationship. To be completely candid, sometimes, I feel really inferior compared to the people I know.

I don’t know if anyone feels this way sometimes, but if you do, just know that I feel it too.