True Life: I am afraid

IMG_0836.jpgI woke up around 4:00AM filled with fear and so many “what ifs,” immediately I started speaking the word of God over myself.

13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:13-14

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

So, I said these verses to myself over and over again but my heart wasn’t changing. I still felt afraid and consumed with worry.

A little background. A few days ago, I took a leap of faith and literally started a new life. So right now, I am unemployed and no longer live with my parents. I didn’t expect this transition to be easy by any means but I also didn’t anticipate any sleepless nights. I was so full of faith that God was or IS going to come through and soon. So this is my first night since the decision that I have actually been paralyzed by fear. 

As I said, I was speaking the word of God over myself but again, my heart wasn’t changing and I still felt fearful and doubtful. Hear me, my feelings don’t make the word of God a lie, that isn’t what I am trying to communicate. The word of God is true and it accomplishes what it has been sent to do, we may or may not see it. This morning, I couldn’t see it or feel it.

Something different than what I am used to happened. Usually when I feel afraid, I would feel guilty about it because it made feel like I didn’t trust God to come through like He’s said He would. But today, I felt no guilt.

I’ve been reading the gospel of Matthew for the Lenten season and what stood out to me concerning this present issue is how we serve a God that was fully human in the person of Jesus who felt fear. It doesn’t specifically use the word fear to describe Jesus, but we can infer that when He was praying at the Garden of Gethsemane, He felt fear because He literally begged God to take away the cup: the pain, anguish and shame he was about to experience. He was afraid. If He wasn’t He wouldn’t have pleaded with His father to deliver Him. He didn’t go into to his death with full vim, he cried and prayed.

I think sometimes we forget that we have a God that sympathizes or suffers with us, at least I do. And so we feel as though we have to face any challenge without doubt, fear and tears. But these things are normal, but we do not allow it to consume us, because something extraordinary happens on the third day. We do not have to pretend we know it all or have it all figured out. Yes we need to literally suffocate fear and not give it life, but we also need to be honest. In our honesty, God meets us and calms our fears. When we pretend, we do not give God room to change and fix our heart.

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15

Jesus, has gone through it!! Even worse than we could ever imagine or go through ourselves. So we can be rest assured that we do not have to hide anything from Him. I don’t know about you, but this gives me freedom to feel all the feels.

a prayer (you can say it out loud)

Thank You God for the gift of Your word. I confess that I am fearful at times, but I also confess that You are Almighty. Thank You for the freedom You’ve given me to come to You boldly with everything I feel and I am even more thankful that You completely understand. Amen

Do you struggle with fear too?


Day 2: Today I give myself permission

To feel!

Today I give myself permission to be sad, mourn the loss, be down, cry, and feel everything. I give myself permission to be free and true to myself.

Lately, I’ve been choosing joy and hope and I have been doing a good job at it by the grace of God, of course. I know this because I can feel it and people have actually told me the difference they see me. Praise be.

I think because of the progress I’ve made, I’ve been dismissing any feeling that gets in the way of my joy or hope. But feelings of sadness and pain are real and must be acknowledged and worked through. Not working through the uncomfortable feelings is usually what builds up really bitter and dangerous feelings in our hearts.

Today, I give myself permission to acknowledge the fear and pain in my own heart. I also give myself permission to acknowledge that this world scares me. That the hurt and trauma people have gone through scares me. That the news scares me. I give myself permission to shed tears over my own personal disappointments and failures.

Today I wasn’t hopeful. I wasn’t joyful. I cried, out loud. I cried till my eyes were swollen and red.

Today, I give myself permission to not be upset with myself for crying.

Today I cried because the pastor preached about Jesus, the suffering servant.

Today, I cried because my heart was heavy and nothing would lighten it. My prayers, my songs, my shows, etc… nothing would lift the heavy load.

I give myself permission to accept that days like this will come…but

I know the night won’t last

I give myself permission to have faith and fear at the same time. To be discouraged and hopeful at the same time. To mourn but have joy at the same time. To the world, these things are complete opposite and can’t dwell in the same space. But for me, they can coexist.

I give myself permission to feel my own truths, but not depend on them as The Truth.

Today, I give myself permission to confess; there is still much work to be done in me. But I also give myself permission to keep my chin-up.


5 truths about healing

I’ve been on this healing journey for almost a year now and although I am not a pro yet and haven’t found complete healing yet, I think I’ve learned enough to drop some gems for you all.

If you are seeking healing right now here are five truths I think you ought to keep in mind. These are lessons that I’ve learned that really would have been helpful when I started this journey. I call it a journey because healing is a choice. You make a choice to heal. The phrase time heals all wounds, sounds good, but it isn’t the truth. You have to decide you want healing and you have to be proactive. So here goes the truth…

  1. Realize that you need healing- this is quite obvious, but you will be shocked to find out how many people don’t even realize their need for healing. Before my healing journey, I wasn’t really aware of how broken I was and all these things I needed healing from. Once I realized that, the journey began.
  2. What caused the hurt isn’t really the issue- What I mean by this is, is that sometimes the things that we say hurt us isn’t the true source of our pain. Most times, it is deeper. Sometimes we think that the rejection is what caused the pain, but rejection from an organization, crush, job, family, friends, etc…cannot be what is actually hurting and breaking us. The root is that we already have this believe that we are  unworthy, so when we are rejected, it is just confirmation for us, that we really are unworthy. Does this make sense? That is where the true pain stems from.
  3. Its a hard and painful process- Going back to what I said, time doesn’t heal. You have to put in the work. I remember nights when I thought I was literally going to drown in my tears if I didn’t stop crying. Sometimes I did seek temporary relief from things but the truth is, good things are hard to come by. healing is good and it is hard to come by.
  4. it is a process- you know how it takes single drops of water to fill up a bucket or a lot of steps to get to a destination. That is what healing looks like. It looks like tiny little baby steps and it sometimes looks like you’ll never reach complete healing but when you look back, you see how far you’ve come.
  5. healing will come, it will happen. believe it, speak it over yourself. It is coming. It HAS to right?!

Listen, if you need healing from something, listen, it is coming. Whether it is physically, emotionally, spiritually, or mentally. It is coming. Hear me out, I know there are certain things that seem like you will not heal from but listen (I keep saying this) this world is temporary and that means your pain is temporary. I am not being preachy, just sharing some truth here. Whether I feel it or not, it doesn’t matter. THIS is the truth.

What do you need healing from? share it with me. You can share by contacting me here or dm-ing me on my instagram.

huge disclaimer- I know people have been through and are going through unimaginable things that I will never understand or relate to. Physical diseases, sexual assaults, abuse, spiritual battles, chemical imbalances in the brain, gosh, so much bad and painful things in this world. And these truths I shared are no way meant to be dismissive to your pain. This was just meant to encourage you.