Is this life? Is there joy?

When unfortunate things are happening in my life, my first question is not always why me? It is why me, AGAIN? I’m not naive to expect my life to be smooth sailing all the time. I know and I am aware that life comes with its valleys and sometimes they are really deep and it takes much to crawl out if it. What I don’t understand is why certain things keep repeating themselves. I am not understanding why one person has to go through so much, all at once, all the time.

I’ve been trying to avoid sharing so much personal feelings on this blog just because I don’t know who is reading and sometimes I feel like people might read my thoughts and maybe throw it in my face or judge me. But I share because it is my escape and sometimes the comments I receive makes me know that I am not alone.

For the last few weeks or so, I have been feeling alone, sad and anxious. I know I am responsible for how I feel and how I process things but the cause of these feelings are beyond my control. I feel on edge and out of control. I have been clinging to God for dear life, because I am falling apart right before my own eyes.

Have any of you felt extremely misunderstood, not that teenage feeling where you literally think no one understands you because you HAVE to go to the party and your guardians are saying you can’t. Not that kind of misunderstood. The misunderstanding of character, of intent, and of self, not only by a few strangers but of literally everyone around you. The last few weeks have shown me that what I think of myself or what I think I am giving out isn’t at all what people are receiving. The positive things I think I give out, people receive it negatively and to be honest, I am not sure what to do about it. But if everyone is getting negative vibes from me, when I think I am putting out positivity, does that mean I am the issue? If so, I am ready to hear it and be corrected. But my efforts are always in vain. I am not indulging in self-pity or anything, well maybe a little, but I can’t seem to do right by anyone standards. I pride myself on being self-aware, so I’m shaken as to why I haven’t been able to figure out why I give all these feelings of negativity. I’ve been told and called so many negative things these past few weeks by the people closest to me, words and character traits I don’t even want to repeat here and so  I’ve been questioning myself, my life, my character, and everything about me.

Brings me to my initial point at the beginning of the post, am I experience all these lows because of me? Is that why I am always down, facing the same issues over and over again, with no breaks in between? Am i the problem? Am I just one of those people who are unloveable? Who are just meant to be alone? I’m not asking these questions in self-pity manner, but in realization? I obviously do not want to be the person described above. I want to be loved and love on people, but I’m afraid I am not likeable or the truth is I am not likeable.

Is there something I could work on? By all means yes. But the things that have been pointed out to me, I didn’t realize were issues. I feel like I keep repeating this point. My actions were not even addressed, just how I make certain people feel. So, it’s not that I have to change my actions but I guess I have to explain them so people don’t take it the wrong way.

For the last few weeks, all I look forward to is sleep, because the days are tough and I am constantly questioning, if THIS IS my life. Is there joy? Is there freedom? Is there love? These feelings have been lingering in my life too long, I am not sure what to do with them. I am afraid I will live life alone with no one by my side at the end of it. Just a life a loneliness, and unfortunately for me, I don’t even like animals so I can’t even look forward to a pet loving me.

I just want to know when life gets better? Does it get better? Can you be condemned to perpetual pain and sadness? I don’t know.

Selah 2017: Life Lately

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It is nearing 6 months into 2017. Wow!

I thought it would be best if I just reflect on how the year is going in terms of my word of the year, SELAH- pause and praise. You can read all about it HERE.

When I was choosing this word, I wanted something that would reflect how I wanted to live, how I wanted my life to be. A life full of gratitude, smallness, intentionality and simpleness. I’m here to inform you, I have done the exact opposite the last 6 months.

I am covetting more and more things as I have began to actively engage in instagram more, I am doing something everyday of the week, my feelings are out of control, I am spending unnecessarily, I am saying yes to everything, I feel a lot of guilt and anxiety and a lot instability.

I came into this year thinking that having a word instead of a list of goals will make accomplishing it or living it easy. Plus, I didn’t pick a word that would require a lot of me, like ADVENTURE, or so I thought, but SELAH is requiring a lot out of me. Pausing for me has meant unlearning a lot of things, which is ridiculously difficult for me because I’ve been one way for so long. I’m still struggling internally with many things, so to be grateful and having a praiseful posture is hardly coming by. I simply cannot do it. It is so hard for me to find gratitude in my life and it is spilling into to areas I very much cherish. I’m learning that an ungrateful heart ruins good things or things that can potentially be good.

To conclude this post, I have NOT been pausing and most importantly praising. Lets see how the next few months go.

If you made a New Year’s resolutions, how is it going?

Exit West by Moshin Hamid

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image from google images

synopsis 

In a country teetering on the brink of civil war, two young people meet—sensual, fiercely independent Nadia and gentle, restrained Saeed. They embark on a furtive love affair and are soon cloistered in a premature intimacy by the unrest roiling their city. When it explodes, turning familiar streets into a patchwork of checkpoints and bomb blasts, they begin to hear whisper …more

My thoughts

This book was a bit underwhelming for me, mainly because I expected the intensity I got from Guapa in this book. I guess this is a reminder that not all books about Arabia (in both books, no specific country was named, but Arabia is kind of inferred) have the same story.

Exit West started out interestingly enough but dulled towards the end. The author in the beginning allowed readers to get to know Saeed and Nadia but still left a few things out that I was hoping to discover about them later, but it never happened. The author in the beginning of the book also seem to invest in their relationship, but again, just left it alone. I was interested in their love story.

I also wish the “door” would have been explained more, I was aware of what “the door” was, but I would have loved to know what actually went into the process, how the migration was till they reached their final destination.

Everything was just presented on a surface level, for example, the lives of refugees in a different country, or Nadia’s decision to wear a hijab but still engage in sex and drugs. For me personally, I think if an author is going to “go there,” they should go all the way. Meaning if you are going to touch on a serious important subject then you should completely explore it. I didn’t feel that Moshin Hamid did that.

Reading the book reviews, I felt that people had strong feelings and connection with this book that I didn’t feel. I’m not sure why I didn’t connect. It just seem so unsettling, well kind of like the life of Nadia, Saeed and other refugees running away from their homeland because of turmoil. I wasn’t too fond of how Moshin foreshadows the end of the story very early on in the book, like, why should I continue to read it if you JUST told me what the end is going to be.

What I do hope for for this book is that many people in the West read it just so they know how it feels like to be a refugee in a foreign country. I think it is important for readers to know that there are people who want to have a very normal life, like Nadia and Saeed that just wanted to go to cafes and sneak around to be together, just normal stuff. But are unable to because of a war torn country and are forced to grow up quickly. It shows how war and surviving can make people miss out on things that most of us take for granted.