True Life: I am afraid

IMG_0836.jpgI woke up around 4:00AM filled with fear and so many “what ifs,” immediately I started speaking the word of God over myself.

13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:13-14

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

So, I said these verses to myself over and over again but my heart wasn’t changing. I still felt afraid and consumed with worry.

A little background. A few days ago, I took a leap of faith and literally started a new life. So right now, I am unemployed and no longer live with my parents. I didn’t expect this transition to be easy by any means but I also didn’t anticipate any sleepless nights. I was so full of faith that God was or IS going to come through and soon. So this is my first night since the decision that I have actually been paralyzed by fear. 

As I said, I was speaking the word of God over myself but again, my heart wasn’t changing and I still felt fearful and doubtful. Hear me, my feelings don’t make the word of God a lie, that isn’t what I am trying to communicate. The word of God is true and it accomplishes what it has been sent to do, we may or may not see it. This morning, I couldn’t see it or feel it.

Something different than what I am used to happened. Usually when I feel afraid, I would feel guilty about it because it made feel like I didn’t trust God to come through like He’s said He would. But today, I felt no guilt.

I’ve been reading the gospel of Matthew for the Lenten season and what stood out to me concerning this present issue is how we serve a God that was fully human in the person of Jesus who felt fear. It doesn’t specifically use the word fear to describe Jesus, but we can infer that when He was praying at the Garden of Gethsemane, He felt fear because He literally begged God to take away the cup: the pain, anguish and shame he was about to experience. He was afraid. If He wasn’t He wouldn’t have pleaded with His father to deliver Him. He didn’t go into to his death with full vim, he cried and prayed.

I think sometimes we forget that we have a God that sympathizes or suffers with us, at least I do. And so we feel as though we have to face any challenge without doubt, fear and tears. But these things are normal, but we do not allow it to consume us, because something extraordinary happens on the third day. We do not have to pretend we know it all or have it all figured out. Yes we need to literally suffocate fear and not give it life, but we also need to be honest. In our honesty, God meets us and calms our fears. When we pretend, we do not give God room to change and fix our heart.

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15

Jesus, has gone through it!! Even worse than we could ever imagine or go through ourselves. So we can be rest assured that we do not have to hide anything from Him. I don’t know about you, but this gives me freedom to feel all the feels.

a prayer (you can say it out loud)

Thank You God for the gift of Your word. I confess that I am fearful at times, but I also confess that You are Almighty. Thank You for the freedom You’ve given me to come to You boldly with everything I feel and I am even more thankful that You completely understand. Amen

Do you struggle with fear too?

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True Life: I am not enough

True life, everyone that has told me they loved me, left.

forget the former things, do not dwell on the past…

I am  thinking about the people that have professed their love for me who are no where to be found. I am thinking about how they loved me so much but just not enough. Not enough to commit to me, not enough to have future with me, not enough to choose me, just not enough . . .

I’m sharing this because I can see how this is hindering me from forming relationships with people.

see, I am doing something new! Do you not see it

I’m sharing this because I now see that I put my worth in the wrong places and in the wrong hands. See, God is healing me, He is showing me that I am worthy, that I enough. He is telling me that I shouldn’t fear relationships, that it doesn’t really matter who loves me enough and who doesn’t. I’m literally speaking these last few sentences over myself, because it is really hard to believe. It is really hard to accept these TRUTHS right now.

I just wanted to share this.

Sometimes we may feel as if we are not enough based on past experiences, but our feelings don’t have the final say. oooo A WORD.

our feelings don’t have the final say

So, a toast to a Monday affirmation: I am enough. A toast to repeating this over and over again until we all believe it! Until it becomes our life song..

True Life: I struggle with my faith

It is really hard for me to write this because this isn’t what people expect from “faith and lifestyle blog.” It is hard for me to write this because I feel like I’m a liar and people will question my faithfulness. But the truth is, I have been struggling with my faith.

I started out the year with a bang really, well for me at least it was. Deciding that I was going to be hopeful was such a bold step for me because I knew it was going to require me to put myself out there and face the world as is while fulling trusting God. Trusting Him as Infinite Wisdom and Infinite Goodness. But, I have not been feeling like God is good. I am struggling to believe in His goodness.

I think I shared a few posts back that one thing that rescued me from last years tragedy (I’m dramatic) was experiencing God as good. For me, that meant nearness and this un-explainable peace even when I was falling apart and thinking life wasn’t worth living. But a few weeks into this new year, I find myself doubting that He is really good.

give me faith, to trust what You say, that You’re good and Your love is great…

It is uncomfortable for me to admit that I am struggling with my faith because it feels like I am disappointing someone. I look at all these other faith bloggers and I am amazed by their faith and courage and how they live out the Christian walk and I look at me and I don’t feel as strong. I am not full of faith.

I am still the person people look at and say, “have more faith.” I want to be the person people look at and are inspired by her faith.

Right now, my position is that, If He is good, He need to show that He is good. If He is Sovereign, He needs to show His sovereignty. etc… I need God to be LORD. The I AM. He just needs to BE!!

Do you struggle with your faith sometimes?