True Life: I am tired

true life

I am so tired

listen, I am so so so tired.

Exhausted!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve also felt like I am in this in between stage of life. I always feel like I am in this weird space of already being something but not fully, so there is always tension in my heart. I feel that tension in my life all the time. I am getting so tired of it.

I am tired of fighting and struggling for everything. I wake up, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. fighting for joy, fighting for hope, fighting for peace in my heart, fighting to forgive myself and others, always fighting for something. Some days I don’t have to fight as hard and it becomes just a matter of choosing, but today, I am tired and worn.

Its a new week and I am trying to leave last week behind, but to be truthful I am worn from last week. I am worn from the ache in my heart and from life’s uncertainties. I am tired of feeling healed, but not fully. I’m tired of letting go of hurts but not fully. It’s the in between that wears me out.

This post might seem ungrateful because it’s clear that God has brought me out of a place of total darkness into this new life and trust me I see it and I know that. I am very thankful for this present state where God has even given me the strength to fight for the things that I want instead of just lying down to die like I have done in the past. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I am tired and I am beginning to feel it physically.

I am sharing this with you because, I am tired. I am sure you get it at this point, need I say I am tired anymore, but I am. Plain as that. I know the internet is full of high-energy, positive-vibing people, and if that is their real life, I am happy for them. But I also want to create a space for the people who feel all the feels of life, who are fighting for their sanity everyday, who sometimes just feel tired. This one is for you. You’re not alone.

Sometimes, I just want to wake up and simply BE. BE joyful, BE hopeful, BE forgiving, but I am not there yet. If you aren’t either, that is okay. Just don’t give up trying to be all those things. If you’re anything like me then it is hard for you too, but I pray it becomes easy over time. Maybe one we’ll all just BE those things and won’t have to fight for it. But until then, we keep trying. And when we get tired, we rest, get up and press on.

How do you rest mentally and inwardly? 

 

True Life: I am afraid

IMG_0836.jpgI woke up around 4:00AM filled with fear and so many “what ifs,” immediately I started speaking the word of God over myself.

13 Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” Exodus 14:13-14

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

So, I said these verses to myself over and over again but my heart wasn’t changing. I still felt afraid and consumed with worry.

A little background. A few days ago, I took a leap of faith and literally started a new life. So right now, I am unemployed and no longer live with my parents. I didn’t expect this transition to be easy by any means but I also didn’t anticipate any sleepless nights. I was so full of faith that God was or IS going to come through and soon. So this is my first night since the decision that I have actually been paralyzed by fear. 

As I said, I was speaking the word of God over myself but again, my heart wasn’t changing and I still felt fearful and doubtful. Hear me, my feelings don’t make the word of God a lie, that isn’t what I am trying to communicate. The word of God is true and it accomplishes what it has been sent to do, we may or may not see it. This morning, I couldn’t see it or feel it.

Something different than what I am used to happened. Usually when I feel afraid, I would feel guilty about it because it made feel like I didn’t trust God to come through like He’s said He would. But today, I felt no guilt.

I’ve been reading the gospel of Matthew for the Lenten season and what stood out to me concerning this present issue is how we serve a God that was fully human in the person of Jesus who felt fear. It doesn’t specifically use the word fear to describe Jesus, but we can infer that when He was praying at the Garden of Gethsemane, He felt fear because He literally begged God to take away the cup: the pain, anguish and shame he was about to experience. He was afraid. If He wasn’t He wouldn’t have pleaded with His father to deliver Him. He didn’t go into to his death with full vim, he cried and prayed.

I think sometimes we forget that we have a God that sympathizes or suffers with us, at least I do. And so we feel as though we have to face any challenge without doubt, fear and tears. But these things are normal, but we do not allow it to consume us, because something extraordinary happens on the third day. We do not have to pretend we know it all or have it all figured out. Yes we need to literally suffocate fear and not give it life, but we also need to be honest. In our honesty, God meets us and calms our fears. When we pretend, we do not give God room to change and fix our heart.

15 For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” Hebrews 4:15

Jesus, has gone through it!! Even worse than we could ever imagine or go through ourselves. So we can be rest assured that we do not have to hide anything from Him. I don’t know about you, but this gives me freedom to feel all the feels.

a prayer (you can say it out loud)

Thank You God for the gift of Your word. I confess that I am fearful at times, but I also confess that You are Almighty. Thank You for the freedom You’ve given me to come to You boldly with everything I feel and I am even more thankful that You completely understand. Amen

Do you struggle with fear too?

True Life: I am not enough

True life, everyone that has told me they loved me, left.

forget the former things, do not dwell on the past…

I am  thinking about the people that have professed their love for me who are no where to be found. I am thinking about how they loved me so much but just not enough. Not enough to commit to me, not enough to have future with me, not enough to choose me, just not enough . . .

I’m sharing this because I can see how this is hindering me from forming relationships with people.

see, I am doing something new! Do you not see it

I’m sharing this because I now see that I put my worth in the wrong places and in the wrong hands. See, God is healing me, He is showing me that I am worthy, that I enough. He is telling me that I shouldn’t fear relationships, that it doesn’t really matter who loves me enough and who doesn’t. I’m literally speaking these last few sentences over myself, because it is really hard to believe. It is really hard to accept these TRUTHS right now.

I just wanted to share this.

Sometimes we may feel as if we are not enough based on past experiences, but our feelings don’t have the final say. oooo A WORD.

our feelings don’t have the final say

So, a toast to a Monday affirmation: I am enough. A toast to repeating this over and over again until we all believe it! Until it becomes our life song..