Dealing with Sexual Desires as a Single Woman

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It is not often that I talk about anything sex related with anyone let alone with people I do not know. So bare with me as I navigate through this topic and try to be as clear and honest as possible. But I’ve been meaning to write this post for a while now I just didn’t know where to start, but after listening this podcast today, I felt like I should brave it. I recently wrote about being bold, so here goes…

My Past:

When I entered college, I was curious about so many things and so I satisfied my curiosity by taking so many different classes outside my field of study. I took a lot of Women Studies classes and there I developed ideologies that went against things I’ve always known to be truth. I believed people could engage in any kind of sexual pleasures they desired. I believed that people didn’t need to be restricted because after all it was their body. I believed ALL sex workers chose to be in the profession they were in, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with watching pornography.

When I started dating, there were definitely certain things I wouldn’t do but there were other things I didn’t mind doing. I didn’t do certain things not because I felt it was wrong but I was just shy. Now I know certain things are morally wrong.

What changed

I’ve been so pro-sexual “freedom” that getting ready to type what I want to say is stressing me out. It is always hard when you change and people do not recognize you or you feel like people won’t accept the new you so you try and hide. But I won’t hide and my past is my past.

There is absolutely no freedom in doing whatever you want sexually. When we give into every sexual desire, that is when our desires take control of us and lead us to dangerous places. There is absolutely no reason to watch porn as it affects you the viewer and the people committing the sexual acts, some of these people are doing these acts against their will. Giving your body away to just anyone is dangerous physically and emotionally.

I’ve decided to lead life that isn’t controlled by my sexual desires. I am not a very sexual person in general but I think I can speak for all of us when I say there are those days when there are “urges.” I wanted to share some tips with you on how to take charge of your body and life and have control over your sexual desires. These things have worked for me for so many years.

Set boundaries when you are dating. For people who want to avoid giving into their sexual desires, YOU HAVE to set really clear boundaries when you meet someone you want to date. People view dating differently and expect different things after a night out so it is important to disclose what your boundaries are up front. I’ve personally decided not to kiss anyone I am simply getting to know or dating. I have missed out on people because of that but it is definitely something I am okay with it even though in stung a little.

Limit physical touch or inappropriate touching with people that are not your partner.  

FIGHT OR FLEE. I prefer flee…

Literally, run away, walk away, do a light jog away from people that you’re really attracted to that you know might lead you do something sexual you’re uncomfortable with. Lets be real, God created some beautiful people ahh!!

What really helped and changed me was my relationship with God. Containing my sexual desires have been possible and even joyful because I know the real freedom is not giving into everything I feel. Although I am free to feel, I can choose to not be consumed. I have been able to set boundaries without fear of losing people because I am convinced if the person is for me, they will honor my boundaries. If we ask God for anything He will definitely answer us so we can always ask Him to help us deal with any sexual desires.

How do you deal with your sexual desires?

Life Lately: June 2018

What?! We are half way through the year already?! I heard that the older you get, the quicker time flies, but I cannot keep up. Make it stop guys.

But life lately has consisted of really really long walks. I get to think and pray and listen to podcasts or audio books. It has become one of my favorite things. I used to like running but my knees would always hurt after, so I decided to take long walks as a form of work out but it has become so much for me. I think its something I am going to keep doing and maybe explore different places. Currently looking for places to hike.img_1340img_1329img_1336

Life Lately has been full of uncertainties. I normally do not do well with uncertainties because, well the reason is in its name. But lately, I am not minding them so much because its like I am waiting excitedly for what God will do. It is like I am looking forward to His response to things and it is like a really fun game. img_1376

When I was younger in Ghana, around 6:00pm everyday, I knew my grandfather would come home with something for my siblings and I. I never knew what it would be, but I knew something good was coming and so I waited with excitement. But sometimes, he would show up with nothing and i would be so disappointment and sometimes even cry.

I am not sharing this story to display how spoiled I was. haha. But this is definitely my approach to God these days. I know He is good in my uncertainty and so I wait with hope. But the days when I need an answer and I don’t hear anything, I cry and just keep praying.

Life lately has been deep sadness for me. When I think about all the shootings that has happened in the last 6 months and children who should be studying protesting in our streets, my heart just breaks. It is just not fair and I don’t how to rationalize it, maybe because it is illogical, it cannot be rationalized. It hurts to see all the RIP’s and people caring more about their rights to own guns than the cries of people, children. I do not have a child and I have never even had my own pet before, so when I think of the immense pain I feel now concerning these shootings, I cannot even imagine what the parents of these children feel. They will never forget their loss. It is one thing to lose someone to natural causes, but violence?

Life lately has been joy filled. I’ve found joy in knowing that although there are senseless deaths and unfair deaths, there is a JUST and merciful God. He will one day make all things right. I am joyful because I have experienced the God who comforts the broken and heal all wounds.19cc0550-3101-494f-ab9b-7dd0edd83a13

I am joyful because, I can be! no matter what my situation is. A few weeks ago, I learned of some information that totally shook me amidst my lack of job security and broken down car. Yes, all those things were horrible and I still do not know what to do with it, but there is still joy to be experienced in the midst of tragedy. That is what I am learning lately. I can be and feel two things all at once.

Life lately has been God fulfilling all my needs. I have a desire to marry and I look forward to that day but I am okay with singleness at this present time. I do not feel the need for a romantic relationship. I am actually wanting to put that on hold for a little while and really pursue what I know that God has for me. Life lately has been satisfaction. Fullness.

Life lately has been going with the flow. I like how I am down for whatever these days. Not really whatever but I am saying yes a lot more. I’ve been so open to meeting people and I am getting better at small talks? who? me? she? yes! I am becoming a small talker now.

Life lately has been full of music. I might start sharing my various playlist with you all soon. Maybe a summer playlist?

How has life been for you lately?

God has forgotten to write my love story

Hi friends,

Lately, I’ve been feeling like God has forgotten to write my love story. I see people, Christians and non alike testifying about how God perfectly wrote their love story and just how happy they are and I am left feeling like, WHAT ABOUT ME?

I’m waiting patiently. I’m avoiding unnecessary and temporary pleasures, I’m working on my RED FLAGS (read more about that HERE) yet, I still feel lonely and sometimes really alone. Am I the only one who feel this way? Like you’ve prayed or still praying, you haven’t settled, your heart is open but nothing is happening?

I start asking myself What is wrong with me? Is God busy with everyone else love story? What about mine, has He forgotten to write my love story? Not only do I start questioning myself and pointing out all my flaws, I throw myself a huge self-pity party and invite fear, despair, hopelessness, and eventually the guest honor CONTROL over my own life. After I cry, I wipe my tears and tell God, if you WON’T, because I know He CAN, but if He WON’T sort out my love life then I’m going to take that task away from Him. He can handle everything else but that. Let me quickly tell you that, it NEVER ends well! hence why I am still single.

So listen friends, the response to the question if God has forgotten to write your love story is a big, I DON’T KNOW.  What I do know is that, God doesn’t forget. He will never forget us. Here is another truth, one I struggle to believe sometimes, God cares deeply about our desires. 

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart. – Psalm 37:4

You can rest in that.

It might feel like God is not writing our love story because it doesn’t look like how we expected it to look like. For some of us, we may not know who we want exactly but we kind of have a time we’d like for our love story to begin, and how it should play out. We set ourselves up for disappointment when we do that. That isn’t completely trusting God with our love life.

But here is an idea

What if God is writing a much better and a much bigger love story than we could even expect. And maybe that is why it might be taking a little bit more time, MAYBE He is really shaping us for that epic love story we are going to be staring in.

So for the days where you feel like you handed the pen to God to write your love story and He isn’t. Just keep trusting and keep having faith and know that He is still writing it and has not forgotten any of us.

Just keep working on you and keep asking God to work on your heart. And keep waiting faithfully.

God is faithful!