I am so tired
listen, I am so so so tired.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve also felt like I am in this in between stage of life. I always feel like I am in this weird space of already being something but not fully, so there is always tension in my heart. I feel that tension in my life all the time. I am getting so tired of it.
I am tired of fighting and struggling for everything. I wake up, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. fighting for joy, fighting for hope, fighting for peace in my heart, fighting to forgive myself and others, always fighting for something. Some days I don’t have to fight as hard and it becomes just a matter of choosing, but today, I am tired and worn.
Its a new week and I am trying to leave last week behind, but to be truthful I am worn from last week. I am worn from the ache in my heart and from life’s uncertainties. I am tired of feeling healed, but not fully. I’m tired of letting go of hurts but not fully. It’s the in between that wears me out.
This post might seem ungrateful because it’s clear that God has brought me out of a place of total darkness into this new life and trust me I see it and I know that. I am very thankful for this present state where God has even given me the strength to fight for the things that I want instead of just lying down to die like I have done in the past. But it still doesn’t change the fact that I am tired and I am beginning to feel it physically.
I am sharing this with you because, I am tired. I am sure you get it at this point, need I say I am tired anymore, but I am. Plain as that. I know the internet is full of high-energy, positive-vibing people, and if that is their real life, I am happy for them. But I also want to create a space for the people who feel all the feels of life, who are fighting for their sanity everyday, who sometimes just feel tired. This one is for you. You’re not alone.
Sometimes, I just want to wake up and simply BE. BE joyful, BE hopeful, BE forgiving, but I am not there yet. If you aren’t either, that is okay. Just don’t give up trying to be all those things. If you’re anything like me then it is hard for you too, but I pray it becomes easy over time. Maybe one we’ll all just BE those things and won’t have to fight for it. But until then, we keep trying. And when we get tired, we rest, get up and press on.
How do you rest mentally and inwardly?