Today I give myself permission to be sad, mourn the loss, be down, cry, and feel everything. I give myself permission to be free and true to myself.
Lately, I’ve been choosing joy and hope and I have been doing a good job at it by the grace of God, of course. I know this because I can feel it and people have actually told me the difference they see me. Praise be.
I think because of the progress I’ve made, I’ve been dismissing any feeling that gets in the way of my joy or hope. But feelings of sadness and pain are real and must be acknowledged and worked through. Not working through the uncomfortable feelings is usually what builds up really bitter and dangerous feelings in our hearts.
Today, I give myself permission to acknowledge the fear and pain in my own heart. I also give myself permission to acknowledge that this world scares me. That the hurt and trauma people have gone through scares me. That the news scares me. I give myself permission to shed tears over my own personal disappointments and failures.
Today I wasn’t hopeful. I wasn’t joyful. I cried, out loud. I cried till my eyes were swollen and red.
Today, I give myself permission to not be upset with myself for crying.
Today I cried because the pastor preached about Jesus, the suffering servant.
Today, I cried because my heart was heavy and nothing would lighten it. My prayers, my songs, my shows, etc… nothing would lift the heavy load.
I give myself permission to accept that days like this will come…but
I know the night won’t last
I give myself permission to have faith and fear at the same time. To be discouraged and hopeful at the same time. To mourn but have joy at the same time. To the world, these things are complete opposite and can’t dwell in the same space. But for me, they can coexist.
I give myself permission to feel my own truths, but not depend on them as The Truth.
Today, I give myself permission to confess; there is still much work to be done in me. But I also give myself permission to keep my chin-up.