True Life: I am unloveable

For so many years I’ve really struggled with feeling unloveable. Being loveable is defined as having qualities that attract love. Most people I’ve liked or loved I’ve felt have abandoned me and anytime someone walked away from me I’ve always felt like it was something I did. I started telling myself maybe I am unloveable when I was quite young based on certain things around me that I don’t feel like disclosing. Through out the years I’ve wondered;

  • why couldn’t they speak nicer to me?
  • why didn’t they see my struggles?
  • why did they cheat on me?
  • why did they not want to protect me?
  • why couldn’t they move because of me?
  • why couldn’t they watch that show because of me?
  • why couldn’t the love me?
  • why couldn’t they choose me?
  • why couldn’t they commit to me?
  • why was it so easy to walk away?
  • why did they think I deserve the hurt?
  • why did they think that I didn’t need help?
  • why weren’t they willing to fight for me?
  • why wasn’t I enough?

These are questions that have plagued my mind for so many years and I’ve really try to battle it and reassure myself that, even if no one loves me, even if I am unloveable, God loves me and that should be enough.

Today, it wasn’t.

For the last few days, I’ve been thinking about how I’ve made people treat me the way they have or do. I want to know what it is about me that make people not want to love me. It is such a painful state to be in. I keep comparing myself to people just wondering what it is about them that make them more loveable than me? what can I do better? how can I act better? do I need to be less emotional? do I need to be more chatty? What exactly do I need to do?

I know some of these feelings are exaggerated by the enemy but I keep thinking there must be some truth to all of this. I think all the surface, people might think there is something to love about me but when they really get to know me and see who I really am, I become unloveable.

At this point I am really scared to get to close to anyone or I’m scared of being known. I want to keep people far away from me so they can see me in the loveable light.

I am not sure how to make myself more loveable.

I want be loved.

I want to chosen.

I want God to be enough even if that never happens.

Do you ever feel or have you ever felt that you’re unloveable? How did you deal with it? and you fight back that thought? How did you or how are you working on becoming loveable?

**loveable is an older spelling of lovable. so I can spell! sometimes!*

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