Is this life? Is there joy?

When unfortunate things are happening in my life, my first question is not always why me? It is why me, AGAIN? I’m not naive to expect my life to be smooth sailing all the time. I know and I am aware that life comes with its valleys and sometimes they are really deep and it takes much to crawl out if it. What I don’t understand is why certain things keep repeating themselves. I am not understanding why one person has to go through so much, all at once, all the time.

I’ve been trying to avoid sharing so much personal feelings on this blog just because I don’t know who is reading and sometimes I feel like people might read my thoughts and maybe throw it in my face or judge me. But I share because it is my escape and sometimes the comments I receive makes me know that I am not alone.

For the last few weeks or so, I have been feeling alone, sad and anxious. I know I am responsible for how I feel and how I process things but the cause of these feelings are beyond my control. I feel on edge and out of control. I have been clinging to God for dear life, because I am falling apart right before my own eyes.

Have any of you felt extremely misunderstood, not that teenage feeling where you literally think no one understands you because you HAVE to go to the party and your guardians are saying you can’t. Not that kind of misunderstood. The misunderstanding of character, of intent, and of self, not only by a few strangers but of literally everyone around you. The last few weeks have shown me that what I think of myself or what I think I am giving out isn’t at all what people are receiving. The positive things I think I give out, people receive it negatively and to be honest, I am not sure what to do about it. But if everyone is getting negative vibes from me, when I think I am putting out positivity, does that mean I am the issue? If so, I am ready to hear it and be corrected. But my efforts are always in vain. I am not indulging in self-pity or anything, well maybe a little, but I can’t seem to do right by anyone standards. I pride myself on being self-aware, so I’m shaken as to why I haven’t been able to figure out why I give all these feelings of negativity. I’ve been told and called so many negative things these past few weeks by the people closest to me, words and character traits I don’t even want to repeat here and so  I’ve been questioning myself, my life, my character, and everything about me.

Brings me to my initial point at the beginning of the post, am I experience all these lows because of me? Is that why I am always down, facing the same issues over and over again, with no breaks in between? Am i the problem? Am I just one of those people who are unloveable? Who are just meant to be alone? I’m not asking these questions in self-pity manner, but in realization? I obviously do not want to be the person described above. I want to be loved and love on people, but I’m afraid I am not likeable or the truth is I am not likeable.

Is there something I could work on? By all means yes. But the things that have been pointed out to me, I didn’t realize were issues. I feel like I keep repeating this point. My actions were not even addressed, just how I make certain people feel. So, it’s not that I have to change my actions but I guess I have to explain them so people don’t take it the wrong way.

For the last few weeks, all I look forward to is sleep, because the days are tough and I am constantly questioning, if THIS IS my life. Is there joy? Is there freedom? Is there love? These feelings have been lingering in my life too long, I am not sure what to do with them. I am afraid I will live life alone with no one by my side at the end of it. Just a life a loneliness, and unfortunately for me, I don’t even like animals so I can’t even look forward to a pet loving me.

I just want to know when life gets better? Does it get better? Can you be condemned to perpetual pain and sadness? I don’t know.

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