To the best of my memory, I have never really asked the question, “what is my purpose?” or “God, what is Your will for me?” I have planned my life by myself along with other people that I’ve wanted to please, but I have never included God. I naturally assume that God will work with me in whatever decision I make. I thought the Almighty God would work with MY decisions, MY path, MY choices, MY will. With everything I’ve done, I’ve always thought, God would meet me, I’ve never asked God to lead. Even when it come to dating in the past, I thought I got to pick the guy AND THEN God would mold him to be the right guy for me. My brain never thought to ask God to select the guy for me. Silly brain!
Weeks ago, before I went to bed, I felt so empty and unfulfilled in so many areas of my life. My decisions felt empty, my thoughts felt empty, my heart felt empty. I kept repeating to myself, this can’t be it, this isn’t the life the Lord of my life wants for me. I’m not sure what I think God’s plans are for me but I am certain that it isn’t a life of emptiness. My church is going through this FULLY ALIVE campaign, 3 weeks in and I’ve never felt emptier. It’s one thing for things to be bad but unsettling to feel great emptiness. At least with bad things, there is hope because “fixing” is possible due to being able to pinpoint what the problem is. With emptiness, there is nothing to point to, because there is nothing there, the space is bare and open.
I’ve been scared to ask God about the plans He has for me because I think He might send me on this crazy, difficult path that I am not ready for or simply don’t want to embark on. This maybe against the Christian norm, but I haven’t given God absolute control because I am afraid He might choose the wrong road. Nice! What a way to question the God i just referred to as Lord of my life. But this is my truth. I am afraid.
Really think about anyone you know who have completely let go, and let God. These people’s stories started out easy and comfortable but most of them are now in some remote village without electricity preaching the word or church planting. Some of them had to give up lucrative jobs and abandon their lavish lifestyle to serve in the youth ministry at church or go teach in dangerous communities and support children who are struggling academically. I’m not about no hard life!no thank you! I’m afraid that God will do that to me. Do I sound ridiculous yet? Can I officially declare this space, no judgment zone? I don’t want the work, but I want the joy and fulfillment they’ve found allowing God to have absolute control over their lives. Which leads me to this…
lately, I’ve been asking God about His will for me and for Him to use me in anyway. I want a Christ-like purpose. This is not the part I say my life has changed since I asked that question. This is not that kind of story, but I hope for it to be just that SOON. At this point I’m doing what most Christians do when we know we don’t know what to do with the free will God has given us. When we realize we cannot control our lives, that it is too much of a task and so we loosen our grip just a little on the rope that is holding up our lives and just ask God to help us or just lead us. I chose the phrase loosen our grip instead releasing because I am not there yet. But that is okay. Tomorrow maybe different and I may sing “I surrender all,” but that isn’t the case today. I still feel the emptiness. But I know God knows the depths of my heart and knows that I am working on releasing, but on till then, I know God is helping me and is guiding me, so I’m loosing in my grip.
How is life going for you?