“…but I thought you were Christian.”
“… You attend church almost every week, worship as if you’ve come face to face with Jesus, I’ve even you take notes during sermon. I thought you were this serious Christian and you’re acting this way…”
“… as for you de3, you are kri-fe (twi mock name for committed Christian- mostly used to demonstrate that someone appears to be too Christian or has a holier than thou attitude)”
These are just a few of the phrases I’ve had spoken at me since I made the decision to take my Christian walk just a bit more seriously. People close to me have said these things to me on days when I may be having a bad day or when I’m just plain old moody because my hormones are acting up.
*it is truly great to be a woman, I can blame every single one of my actions on my hormones. But don’t you dare dismiss my feelings by telling me I’m hormonal. confusing.*
When I started this blog, my intention was for it to strictly be a natural hair blog. As time went on I wanted to write about God and talk about faith and my struggles and really just being a Christian. I remember I stopped sharing my blog posts when I started writing about being a Christian.
I did not want people who knew me to read about my feelings and thoughts about God. I thought people would think I was a fraud, that I write one thing and live out another. They would say, I do not do as I say. I would be called pretentious or the ever so popular word fake!
I hid my blog and
sometimes most times my love for God or my love for Christian music because I did not want to appear to Christian-ny. But the problem with hiding from God in public was that I began to distant myself from God.
When we spend time with God in private, without any efforts of our own, our relationship with God manifests in public in the things we “like” on intagram, the accounts we follow, the things we watch and read, etc… God just start oozing out of us. Therefore when we publicly restrict God, we indirectly pull bck from God privately.
In my attempt of not seeming FAKE, I began to talk about God less, dehumanize myself- as in pretend I was angry when I was, pretend I was not hurt when I was, pretend I was not struggling with my faith when I was, I pretended to be perfect on my own, when I wasn’t.
Yesterday morning, I had prepared to write about my struggle with people thinking that I was fake and how it was interfering with my relationship with God. I was going to call out all the people who have made me and continually to make me feel like I am fraud because of my actions when I am rightfully upset. I wanted to tell you all how much of a burden it was and how I just wish people would leave me the heck alone and just let me be a Christian.
Can you count how many times I used the word people?
The reality is, people are not the ones making me feel like I am a fraud. I think I am a fraud. That is my issue. People are not there with me in my private time with God and neither do they have access to my heart, so despite what they say, they do not have the accurate information to conclude that I am fraud. It will be a mere opinion if they were to think that and that opinion doesn’t matter. Until, I accept and agree for it to be true in my own heart, and for so long, I have.
And even so, my own heart is just as deceitful as the word out of peoples mouth who tell me that I am a fraud, that I am not worthy to call myself a christian- a Christ follower.Because I do not tell myself who I am, it is God who tells me who I am. God tells me I am “the child of a one true King.” God tells me that nothing in this world can change His love me. God tells me that in Him, I am a new creature. God tells me that He knows my struggles and my suffering.
So yes, I may not always live accordance with God’s word and may go as far as go against Him, but it doesn’t change my status as a child of God. I am no less of a Christian because I get angry or because I occasionally have an attitude. I am Christian because of WHO Christ is and me choice to follow Him.
does anyone struggle with this?