I debated on writing this post about how this past year went for me because I didn’t want to relive the heartache and headache that came with it. But I am journaling this because I hope to read back next year and see where I was at and measure any improvements which I pray there will be.
The year started out great and full of hope. After all, I had just graduated, I was in Ghana and I had a enough money in my savings account to make me comfortable enough to sleep at night. I had so many plans. I was officially done with school, FOREVER, I hope! “and the world was my oyster.” I was certain a job was waiting for me, that I was going to pass the biggest exam of my life, that I was going to be in a committed relationship, and be out of my parents house by the end of the year. Such high hopes.
But life had something different planned. I faced so many disappointments and hurt and rejection in EVERY area of my life. I was filled with self-doubt and at times hatred for myself and life. Everything I hoped for, to find new friends in bible studies, to get a good paying job, to pass the bar, etc… none of it happened for me.
I can honestly say, I’ve never cried in my life as much as I did this year. I suffered from things I didn’t know I was capable of feeling, from anxiety, to minor panic attacks, to thoughts of ending my own life. I was depressed. I was hopeless and I felt hopeless and useless.
2015, I felt and saw my weakness like never before, it was glaring and showed itself mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I did not feel wise, I wasn’t confident in myself, and to be frank, I envied the lives of other people. I was not satisfied.
Some people may read this and wonder if nothing good happened to me this year. I would be a liar if I was to behave as though nothing good happened to me, but I will be a bigger liar if I sit here and make a big deal about these good things. Because I didn’t see them, I did not rejoice in them, I was not thankful for them. I dwelt in my pain in 2015. I allowed my pain to consume me and it overtook me at times.
It’s the end of 2015 and I am single which isn’t what I hoped for, I do not have my license, like I hoped for. I live with my parents. I work a minimum wage paying job. My car does not function well, and it sucks.
But as I leave 2015 behind and enter into a new year, I’m once again filled with so much hope and I have accepted that this was a year of growth and surrender. I will be writing more about this in my next post which will be my new years resolution.
Don’t let this journal entry make you sad for me, I will love to know how 2015 went for you. Link a blog post, send me an email or just leave me a comment!
so much love