I’ve always struggled with self-worth and self-doubt but I especially recognized this about myself after I graduated. I realized over the years, I had put all my worth in academic achievements, if you can call it that and work. Those were the things I was most praised for.
I remember, several times in middle school and high-school, I had to secretly get a tutor without my parents knowledge and have long after school sessions with some of my teachers. Because I felt like I wasn’t worth any attention without good grades.
So now that I have none of those things, I feel like nothing MOST days.
This has led me into thinking that I don’t deserve the kindness of people, or their love, or allowing them to just be there for me. I feel as though they too see that I’m nothing, like how I see myself sometimes and thus will wonder why they want to do something for me.
My self-doubt or lack of self-worth creates tales in my head and say things like; this friendship is going to end, why care about it? This romantic relationship is going to end, you will never be his “the one” why stay in it? There are better deserving people, why apply for that job? They will prefer to hang out with this person, you’re better of staying at home. You will always be plain, why bother trying to look pretty? You are not worth wanting or keeping around, so keep to yourself.
I’ve listened to all these lies, they have become my truth.
The messy thing is, knowing something is a lie but believing it as truth. So here, we have the head and heart knowledge. In my head, I know all these things are lies, but I can’t convince my heart to disregard them.
Yesterday, I attacked someone who simply wanted to help me, just because I feel very undeserving of anyone’s help. This morning, it all became very clear to me that, my lack of self-worth is what makes me deny help from others and sometimes their relationship.
I am fighting this battle though, I sometimes get defeated, but it hasn’t overcome me yet. So lets pray I come out on top.
so much love